SittingInTrees.com

In my mind

Narrator:
Being the parent I should have had
Learning to love myself
As they should have I am
learning to love the little girl inside,
Letting here grow up in dignity and grace,
This is a piece of the path on my journey.

Dad:
From the outside looking in
Everything seemed so perfect
Having every material need met,
Always on the go, traveling here or there,
Involved in so many activities
Little did I understand
The price that had to be paid
Until it was too late.
I thought you were better off
Three decades, I just let you go
I failed to protect you.

Mom:
Just a little girl
Innocent and sweet
Ripped apart by sick games
Unforgivness and shame
Bitterness took root,
Started digging down deep
Controlling every emotion
Hiding under happiness
Anger and rage
Regrets and shame
I hurt you, called you names,
I Manipulated and controlled
Trying to find my own way,
I failed to protect you.

Me:
This little girl grew up but left a piece behind
I let my broken heart rule every day
Tell the Little girl to rest now
Let it all out, lay it on the line
I should have protected you
Instead I placed blame
I let the generational curse control my destiny
I lived a life of misery, anger and rage
Worthlessness, self-pity
Years of addiction,
Trying to bury the pain
No longer my burden to carry
Yet unable to lay down those chains

Please…Mom, Dad…
Just love me as I am
Hold the little girl and let me cry
No matter what it means to you
just hold me up for once
I am tired of running from the pain,
Always on the outside looking in.

Hey Little girl…
let it all out.
Hey Little girl…
I am here for you…come into my light.
No longer alone
Rest upon my shoulders
Cry your tears, cleanse your soul.
I will take a stand for you
Protect you as my child
I will fight for you…
Hey Little girl…take a chance.
I wont fail you again,
Let my love come in.

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My Dad:

I was told if I stole then I couldn’t come back = condition

I was told if I continued to act that way I couldn’t come back = condition

I was told if I was just a good girl I would be loved = condition

My Mom:

I was told if I did “this” or “that” I would be accepted = condition

I learned that if it was hidden, I didn’t get punished = Made me a better liar

I learned that if I put on the mask, no one would ask = isolated and lonely

I learned that if outward appearance was acceptable = I was tolerated

EVERYTHING has conditions…

And now many years later I sit here, amazed that I am just now learning what unconditional love is thru giving what I never received to my own children…who continue to unconditionally accept me as their mother.  I will destroy the curse.

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Still pondering my dateability today.  I struggle so much in this area.  I have such huge trust walls built up.  I was abandoned by my father…that is where my struggle begins.  I continually find myself striving to prove my worthiness and seeking acceptance from men instead of myself.  This realization hit home last weekend and just about knocked me outta my flip-flops!

I was listening to a man share his experience, strength and hope regarding relationships…with God and with self.  Both of which I lack most of the time.  He made a comment that we should love ourselves as we want God to love us.  That really took my breath right out of me.  I realized at that moment that I have NEVER treated myself very well.  I am ALWAYS critical of just about everything I do and say…some of which is a product of my childhood – continuous putdowns and critisism by the ones that “loved” me has skewed my vision of myself without a doubt.  Its like looking in one of those funny-house mirrors…you know, the kind that can either make you look really skinny or gigantic. 

Well, that’s how I tend to see myself usually…something is really disportionate and wacky.  Applying the principle of love myself as God would love me does not allow for the fun-house version of myself.

Applying that principle in my life has already allowed me to stand up to a feeling of hurt, embrace that emotion, and tell that person that I was hurt by the comment that was made.  Not only was I able to appropriately handle the situation, the feelings of hurt didn’t ruin or rule my evening.  Instead, I acknowledged the pain, expressed it, talked about it with that person and was able to let it go….all in a matter of thirty minutes.  What such blessing that is to have the freedom to let it go and not pick it back up…all because I loved myself through it instead of questioning my worthiness in the situation.  (On a completely off-subject note: I think the new Transformers movie looks awesome…I can’t wait to see it! )

 Okay, so…Love myself as I want God to love me.  Love myself as I want my Dad to love me.  Love myself as I want my children to love me.  Love myself as I want to be loved.  This is not really new information, I know.  It just finally sunk in on a level that I finally understand.

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I have always collected rocks…it’s kind of a wierd collection…not your typical collection for the sake of having valuable rocks. Rather, I collect rocks based on memories of that moment in time.   I started doing this at a very early age.  For whatever reason, there is a connnection.  I was praying for healing of my heart last year from a relationship that ended…well, I was by a small creek in colorado that morning and looked just into the water edge at the rocks and there plain as could be was a small black rock about the size of a nickel and it was shaped like a heart.  Later that day, my son and I were hiking a trail and came out at the beginning of the same creek…we were kind of just playing around in the water, jumping along the rocks and I looked down and again, plain as could be, there was another heart shaped rock almost exactly like the one I found that morning.  Funny occurances like these happen frequently.  Last October, I went to the Wichita Mountain range in Oklahoma.  I scouted a mountain that I wanted to hike up.  Before we left, I was talking about bringing my two kids to see this beautiful land and I set off to look for a rock to take home as a trip memory.  What I found were three round rocks, one large about the size of a mini-basketball and two smaller ones about the size of baseballs…these rocks just seemed to have been plopped right in that spot…there were no other rocks of that type or size there.  It was the oddest looking thing really…almost like a momma and her babies.  Maybe I just try to read too much into things sometimes or maybe my brain is just warped enough.  Either way, I am taking an Earth Science class this summer semester and have realized that I really enjoy this class…so far, rocks-minerals-mountain building, all very intriguing to me.  Maybe I’ve just found a passion for earth science.

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what is my dateability? I stated to one of my friends today that I might not be dateable material. As a great friend does, she quickly set me straight. I am very much dateable…its just my poor choice in men to date that is the problem. I am a magnet for the truly unavailable types.

Today is my birthday…the BIG 35! I’m really not sure how I feel about it yet.  I guess it really does not matter how I feel about it because I’ll still be 35 no matter what.  I can’t fight time.   I try to fight a lot of things…attitude, moods, people and occasionally I race against time but dont try to fight it much.  It is truly pointless.  I am 35.  wow!  I lived to see 30 and thought that was a milestone…now I’m 35 and have been thinking all day “now what”.  I spent a lot of years surviving and not living.  Now, Im in college trying to earn a degree towards something that will allow me to provide more for my children.  I realized today while sitting in earth science class that I always thought I was completely stupid in science.  Truth is, I spent so much of my time trying to survive my insane life and creating alternate worlds of denial land to live in…my brain was already working overtime to keep up…much less learn about a subject I couldnt see how it would ever help me.  I realized today…earth science is kinda my thing.  I am naturally a collector and studier of rocks…I like to sit in trees…I get calm in nature…hmmm…maybe this is a homecoming of sorts.  I guess we’ll see.  35…wow…Im still amazed I’ve made it this far.

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I am moving. yuck…I know, right? I should be packing right now instead of this blog. I have realized over the past few years, as I have gotten older, I am packing around less stuff. Emotionally, I have been focusing on cleaning up the wreckage of my past, accepting responsibility for my actions and healing my heart of life pains. I have been on a quest of freedom and in doing so, tonight I realized I have stopped hoarding as much monetary things. Wow…I’m sure there is some psychology behind that and well, I’m getting too tired to contemplate that on a deeper level for tonight. Just thought I’d start getting in the habit of posting more.

I appreciate the comments and encouragement to keep blogging. My mind will trick me into believing I have nothing worthwhile to share. That is how I have been imprisoned for years…chained to feelings of worthlessness and shame. No more! I have a voice and I want to be heard…even if its nonsense once in awhile. Sitting in my tree always gives me a different perspective and the abillity to let go. I realized the other night as I was completing yet another quiz on facebook…this time…I was making up the questions and answers for a quiz about me to send to my friends…you know, the “How well do you know…”  type of thing…anywhoo, I realized once again…Im still a bit of a mess.  One questions was…what is my favorite drink?  Well, what I drink all the time is Iced Tea…my favorite drink is Rootbeer.  Now, I only allow myself one rootbeer a week…which is only something I started doing about four months ago…prior to that, I had not drank a carbonated beverage of any kind for three years.  A bit extreme.  What can I say?  Needless to say, all of my friends that have taken the quiz have guessed that Peach Tea is my favorite…one would think that since Tea IS what I drink all the time.  I also realized through the friend quiz that I don’t let many people really get to know me.  I only allow them to see the surface me…the girl that will like what you like because I am too afraid of being rejected to risk letting my walls down in the name of friendship.  I realize its been easier for me to have sex-based friendships rather than build and maintain a real and lasting friendship…hmm…some more psychology to analyze when I’m NOT in the middle of moving.  I think I better stop here, crank up the music and get to packing these empty boxes with all of my beloved treasures.  Thanks for reading!

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Today, I was driving down to Oklahoma and was having conversations/scenes from long ago replaying in my head…remembering as a child how I just wanted my Dad to show me that he loved me and wanted me…that I was HIS princess.  I wanted him to take me fishing…to take me where ever he went.  I was so jealous of the family he had without me and sealed the worthless feelings I had already implanted.  I dont remember my dad much in my life before the age of eight…then, walah…hes in my life, remarried and my little brother on the way.   My parents were divorced by the time I was a year old…my mom was resentful and angry…it was not FUN growing up with an angry mom that always seen my dad when she looked at me.   Her words were full of spite, sarcasim…always cut to the core.  Those words were ones that were running through my head today…driving down the highway towards Oklahoma…towards the area my Dad lives in…being the little girl with hurt feelings, crying and trying to let go of these wounds.  Questions….tons of questions that I want to ask my Dad but too afraid to be rejected all over again.  Oh the vicious cycle.  The time has come though.  I am older and definately wiser.  I have high hopes for this summer and am planning on calling my dad and setting up that fishing day…just me, him and the lake.  As I was driving and trying to let the stuff go, I realized I am probably a lot like my dad in many ways…its time that I find out in just what ways we are alike.   Stay tuned….

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