SittingInTrees.com

Okay…wow, it has been forever since my last blog.  I completed spring semester…ending with two B’s and one C …it works for me!  This last semester was very hard for me.  I had to sit back and realize that I had A LOT going on outside of classes to handle and so, I just decided to ease up on myself and “get by”.  That is so hard to do sometimes…just doing enough to “get by” is not something I want to make an everyday occurence in my life.  I want to EXCEL…supercede all my expectations for myself…be the best person I can be.  wow…can you tell I AM just a bit hard on myself…everyday…I have high standards that I sometimes cannot live up to.  I have realized this fact about myself several times before so it’s nothing really new…I just tend to forget that I know this and so I am surprised when I remember it…(laughing at myself)…confused?!? 

Today, I was driving down to Oklahoma and was having conversations/scenes from long ago replaying in my head…remembering as a child how I just wanted my Dad to show me that he loved me and wanted me…that I was HIS princess.  I wanted him to take me fishing…to take me where ever he went.  I was so jealous of the family he had without me and sealed the worthless feelings I had already implanted.  I dont remember my dad much in my life before the age of eight…then, walah…hes in my life, remarried and my little brother on the way.   My parents were divorced by the time I was a year old…my mom was resentful and angry…it was not FUN growing up with an angry mom that always seen my dad when she looked at me.   Her words were full of spite, sarcasim…always cut to the core.  Those words were ones that were running through my head today…driving down the highway towards Oklahoma…towards the area my Dad lives in…being the little girl with hurt feelings, crying and trying to let go of these wounds.  Questions….tons of questions that I want to ask my Dad but too afraid to be rejected all over again.  Oh the vicious cycle.  The time has come though.  I am older and definately wiser.  I have high hopes for this summer and am planning on calling my dad and setting up that fishing day…just me, him and the lake.  As I was driving and trying to let the stuff go, I realized I am probably a lot like my dad in many ways…its time that I find out in just what ways we are alike.   Stay tuned….

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